The Impenetrable Device That’s Powering the Underworld

Author’s note: Inspired by the Wall Street Journal’s latest attempt to scandalize people about a useful solution that’s occasionally used by bad actors, I’ve written a similar article on a different technology used by Evil Doers everywhere:

A powerful yet impenetrable device is undermining America’s fight against criminals, terrorists, and rogue regimes. Over a billion people own one, and the device is so powerful that it can facilitate any kind of illicit activity.

Its name: the iPhone. The smartphone has become a key tool for every bad actor on the planet, while the company that sells it rakes in billions.

In essence, smartphones are powerful yet secretive communication devices in one’s pocket. The iPhone has advanced cryptography that limits access needed by governments and law enforcement to track down criminals. Whereas telephone calls, faxes and in-person chats can easily be spied on, iPhones can’t. This has made them popular with drug dealers and money launderers.

Smartphones also have an infinite variety of positive uses, from corporate execs protecting sensitive documents to couples sharing intimate photos. But a miniscule fraction of people who own one use it to commit crime, and that’s a problem.

According to an Important Sounding Government Official with a Really Long Title, “We can’t spy on everyone all the time, and the bad guys know it.”

The manufacturer of these powerful devices, whose founder named it after a fruit to sound innocuous, defended its encryption.

“Making iPhones penetrable would make innocent people vulnerable to snooping and theft” said a Nuanced Spokesperson with Thankless Job of Stating Obvious.

That argument is countered by the reality on the ground, where a scammer in Cambodia used his iPhone to trick a lonely American to send him ten dollars.

iPhones are regularly used by oppressed minorities, women in fundamentalist societies, and civilians in countries being invaded by their neighbors. Without encryption, these people will be vulnerable.

But crypto bros also use them to buy monkey pictures that are unregistered securities, so they can be as much a force for good as evil.

“We must regulate iPhones to protect people”, said a septuagenarian Senator. She was reached on her flip phone.